From Reaction to Understanding: A Nervous System View of Stress during Conflict
Have you ever tried to have a calm, logical conversation, only to find yourself or the other person becoming defensive, overwhelmed, or completely shut down?
In moments like these, the issue often isn’t communication skills or willingness to listen. It’s that someone’s nervous system has shifted into survival mode.
When the Thinking Brain Goes Offline
Each of us operates within what psychologists call the window of tolerance, the zone where we feel regulated enough to think clearly, manage emotions, and stay connected to others.
When we are inside this window, we can respond from a place of regulation and curiosity, meaning we can listen, reflect, express ourselves clearly, and repair conflict more easily.
But stress, conflict, fatigue, uncertainty, social pressure, and/or emotional overwhelm can push anyone outside this window. When that happens, the brain shifts from reasoning to survival.
Emotional Survival States
Outside the window of tolerance, the nervous system automatically activates protective stress responses:
Fight → irritability, anger, defensiveness
Flight → anxiety, avoidance, urgency, needing escape
Freeze → shutdown, silence, numbness, “I don’t know”
Fawn → people-pleasing or agreeing just to reduce tension
These reactions are biological safety responses designed to protect us, often looking like:
A teen snapping back
A friend withdrawing
A parent raising their voice
A partner shutting down during conflict
All of these behaviors are signs of the same underlying process: a nervous system trying to regain safety.
Why Reasoning Doesn’t Work in the Moment
When emotions intensify, the brain temporarily prioritizes survival over logic. This is why during heated moments, conversations can escalate quickly, advice can feel overwhelming, and problem-solving falls flat. Many conflicts aren’t actually caused by disagreement, but by two nervous systems that are outside their windows of tolerance at the same time.
Trying to reason during dysregulation is like trying to teach during a fire alarm in that the system is focused on safety, not learning. Regulation has to come before reasoning.
What Regulation Looks Like
Regulation doesn’t require waiting for the perfect calm or saying the right thing. Often, small shifts can help the nervous system settle and relax:
Slowing your tone or pace
Taking a pause before responding
Stepping away briefly instead of pushing through
Naming what’s happening emotionally
Returning to conversations later
Pausing and recognizing when emotions are taking over can help create the right conditions for understanding. The next time conflict or overwhelm shows up, try asking yourself, “Is reasoning possible right now or does regulation need to come first?”
